Obamacare isn't that bad.

Hey all,

I just wanted to send a quick note to all my American friends now that the Supreme courst approved Obamacare to let them know it's really not THAT bad.

Known for founding the UN, Universal Health Care,
and holding pencils like cigarettes.

Despite the influx of tweets threatening to move to Canada (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/people-moving-to-canada-because-of-obamacare), you should know that we have socialized medicine in Canada for a few years.   In the 60's our beloved Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson introduced it to us Canadians as a way to offer everyone, even those crazy Newfoundlanders a way to afford needed health care. Although 'Pearsoncare' was hotly debated, his minority governement was able to push it through, despite only having 43% of the popular vote.  As this was 1966, it was largely one of the contributing factors to the beginning of the "Hippie Movement", and perhaps one of the main reasons that now medical marijauna is now legal in Canada.  (Ed. - Citation Needed).

Anyhow, now that we've had it for a few years, I figured I could give my pals south of the border a little real insite into what Governement Health Care really means to Canadians, and not what you hear on your polarized news networks who pretty much tell you it's the work of the Devil, or a gift from a non-deity based miracle.

Drink beer and set off fireworks, or I'll send the armada!

First thing you should know is we are not a Democracy like you, we are a federal constitutionally monarchy which means we still have to worship the Queen.  This is done every May on Victoria Day weekend, marked be copious amounts of beer and explosives, which may be one of the main reasons we all need so much health care to begin with.  This means of course that our head of state, the queen, as represented by our governal general, can dictate who gets what health care based on a decision made on cases which must be brought to her on an individual basis.  All cases must be made in person without legal represntation.  If the health care needs are related to a voice related injury, (E.G.  Screaming too much at the local hockey team to 'Get off your asses and skate, eh!'), an official crown voice may be appointed for represntation.

But don't get me wrong, it's not that bad.  I'd say at least 75% of all applications are approved, and the other 25% are generally only denied because it's almost tea time, so they are just trying to rush through.  You can apply again in 6 months, or as little as 3 if you lose a limb directly due to the denial.

State of the art transportation and medical care facility.

After you get your application approved, you are put into a first class ambulance and brought directly to your local health care facility.  The triage nurse will look at you within 6 hours of your arrival, and generally tell you to put some ice on it.  Seeing as in Canada we have plenty of ice at all times, we find that this actually negates many of the more expensive health care costs.  As well it can be accomplished anytime by going outside an rolling around naked, which is something we Canucks enjoy doing regardless.

If indeed this doesn't resolve your medical emergency, you are given a medical grade Molson Canadian, to take off the pain, and given a cot, and 3 warm blankets.  You are then slid into a room with a TV to watch a hockey game or if that's not your taste to listen to Nickleback, Anne Murray, and the Tragically Hip.

The doctor, (his name is Maurice), generally gets to see you in about 7 hours and then fixes you, pats you on the head, gives you a governement approved lollipop and a perscription (in french and english) for medical marjiauna and a case of Molsons and sends you on your way.  Obviously, you wife is waiting for you, and you have to get back to your lumberjacking duties.

Now I kow what you're saying...  'Matt, that's all fine and dandy, but all those high tech medical procedures must cost a fortune, and there is no way my Blue Cross will ever approve that, even if the government pays for it.' 

Ed, our extremely friendly tax collector.

Well, not to worry friends!!!  It's all FREE!!!  The perscriptions, the dog sled, the ice doesn't cost you a thing.  Well, that's not entirely true, we do have to pay our taxes.  However, at a reasonable 95% of our salary, that's nothing!  Consider all the benefits we get for it.  Socialized health care, paved roads, education, subsidized curling matches, welfare, our arts and music council, Maurice and Ed's paycheck, an annual tribute of 5000 beaver and baby seal fur coats for her mejesty, and if there's a little left over the Prime Minister has a poutine party at his place, and EVERYONE is invited!  Well, not the natives, they don't HAVE to pay tax.

All in all, it's a win/win for everyone, and those evil insurance companies don't make a penny.  And really we're not 'Pinko Communists'.  We get to own land and start businesses, we can work as hard as you want and make as much money as you want. The great thing is in the north, the sun doesn't go down in the summer, and doesn't come up in the winter, so you work 6 months straight, with 15 minute breaks, and then you get to sleep for 6 months.  That's a lot of cash let me tell you!

Anyhow, you can see it's not really that bad.  What's more it works.  Our average life expectancy is 80.7, yours is 78.7.  Our infant mortality rate is 4.6% yours is 6.4%.  Our football teams are so healthy they only need 3 downs to make it 9.144 metres, yours needs 4 downs to make it 10 yards.  As you can see by these World Health Orginization standard measurements, you need to step your game a little bit to get on the ball.  I think Obamacare may give you that edge.  It's going to be okay, I promise you.  Your little brother in the north is doing just fine with it, and it is not because we only have 400 residents here, it's because the system works.  Now you'll pardon me, I have to go take my government sponsored meds, grab some potato chips, and go watch Cheech and Chong.  Now that's a great Canadian!

If he had a medical grade Molson's, he'd be fine.

Language may be offensive to some...

OK, so before we start today, I need to warn you, my language may not be completely clean and G-rated today.  I may say some words that you might not like.  Heck, I may even go so far as to offend you with symbolic pixels which will cross your eyes.  Shucks, it may even strike a nerve and cause you to blush, become enraged, and write a letter to the editor insisting that I be taken off the air, and my sponsorships be cancelled. 

If this sounds like something you don't want to read, please stop reading now.  If you keep reading, I take no responsibility for what you may happen to read next.  You have been warned.

(OK really?  How am I not supposed to take responsibility, I mean I wrote it.  I take full responsibility.  This is mine, and I own it.  Your offence is your own, but these words are mine, excluding any quotes you read.)

You've been warned...

When I was a young lad of about 7 or around there.  I was in my Sunday school office with my sister and mother watching her count the offering.  My family was always active in the church, and it was my mom's job to do the accounting of the Sunday school offering, and watching her do it gave us something to do between Sunday school and the service. I don't remember the details of what happened next, but needless to say my big sister did something to me which caused me some level of distress.  (I was a brat, I probably deserved it.)  What ever it was she did, I could not let this offence pass without standing up for myself, but what I could I do?  I was in church, my mother was there, and I was surrounded people who I'm sure would disapprove of the violence which I'm sure she deserved.  She was also 4 years older than I, and tall.  My butt would have been well kicked I'm sure.)  I decided the best course of action would be to express my dissatisfaction in words.  Strong words.  Words that would hurt her, break her, and ultimately show her the error of her ways and bring her to apologise to me for whatever great wrong it was she had committed.  Once again, with my mother there I couldn't drop a huge bomb, so I decided to ultimately censor myself, and with great and conscientious thought I told her to 'F' off.

That's right...  Right there in the Sunday school office on the holiest day of the week, I said the letter 'F'.

The effect was not quite what I desired.  My mother shot me a look of all looks, packed up the money, grabbed me and pulled me out of the office like only a mother can.  Her peers I'm sure were there, which added to her embarrassment and fuelled the addressing I got there-after.  I was delivered to my father for punishment.  My father looked at me with disappointed eyes and told me we were going to have a little chat when I got home. 

Through teary eyes, I explained that I had made a conscious decision not to swear, and chose the letter 'F' to specifically not swear.  It was explained to me that even though I had only used the letter 'F' the meaning behind the word was quite clear, and that it should be considered just as bad as if I had actually said the word.  (Next time you hear anyone say the phrase 'The 'N' Word', remember that.)  Now although this was the 70's or maybe early 80's and corporal punishment for kids was still quite accepted, I did not get a spanking for this one.  My Dad had a way of sitting you down and calmly explaining why what you did was wrong, and why you needed to be punished in a calm and rational way.  I never really listened, I just kept dreading the spanking that was to be coming.  Fear is not responsive to rationality.  Anyhow, in this case no spanking was issued.  I'm sure all you children of the 80's know what standard punishment for bad language is.

Suck on this!

That lesson always stuck with me for some reason.  I guess my parents did a pretty good job after all.

Now a division of the
language police.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but recently a small town called Middleborough passed the following:  A $20 fine on public profanity.  Yes that's right, in Middleborough it is now against a town by-law to swear in public.  (Do you call them by-laws in the States, I don't even really know.)

My Dad once told me that swearing is lazy, and there are always considerably better words in the lexicon to establish a feeling of emphases, which is when swearing is most commonly used.  The other common use is shock value, which once again is kind of lazy.  I mean if I wanted to shock you, I'm more likely to tell you what I think about environmental laws than I am to swear.  Besides, it offends way more people.  Regardless, the good people of Middleborough are no longer even allowed to be lazy.  In fact, the bad people in Middleborough aren't either.

Mr. Rogers HATES ambiguous laws

I'm pretty sure that somewhere in there this is against the American Constitution.  You guys down there take your freedom of speech pretty close to heart.  Us Canucks have mostly the same law, but it is limited to denial of hate speech, which I have a bit of a problem with.  I mean I can say words which are considered hateful, but if it can be proven that I said it with the intention to be hateful or something like that I can be charged?  I don't know, it is a weird law.  I try not to say anything that might be misconstrued as hateful, but I certainly use words which offend.  You figure out the difference. 

My question is this...  What is the limit of your swearing threshold.  What might be offensive to one person might be perfectly acceptable for another.  Did they have to write all the offensive words down on some charter?  If not, then it's left to interpretation of what is offensive.  If so, does that mean every time someone reads the law aloud, they have to be fined for each offensive word?  What about words that kind of sound like swearing? 

"The bastard took his bitch, a shih tzu, to chase the cock and some balls around the park, but ended up in some pussy willows being carried by an ass." 

Perfectly acceptable and clean sentence in the English language, but might cost the speaker $140! 

Uh-ho-ho-ho, I am dirty, no?

An speaking of the English language...  What if our friends in 'La Belle Province' visit the small town of Middleborough.  Perhaps they see a small carving of a seal for sale in the downtown area, and delightedly exclaim... "C'est la phoque!"  For those of you who don't speak the language, sound it out, and pronounce it a dirty as you can!  There, now you've said it correctly, and you may owe your town $20.

The real problem as I see it is not that the citizens of Middleborough don't want people swearing, heck I even get that.  The problem is that it is against the constitutional rights of the citizens of the United States of America, and since the fine is only $20 it is not worth ever fighting in a court of law.  It is just another tax grab against the lazy, the people with rich lexicon, and the French.  I hope they are putting the monies towards something useful at least.  I mean, you know the government.  Always models of efficiency when it comes to our tax dollars...

Simpsons, brilliant satire